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[23 Jul 2020|05:00pm] |
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[23 Jul 2010|04:36pm] |
A woman dropped her purse on the elevator this morning when I was heading up to work. A good number of condoms spilled out with the rest of the mess. I've decided that I want to work on her floor, because I think there must be something naughty going on in that office. Perhaps some scheduled workplace orgies.
I've pushed for these at Spent, but no takers. I even have an inappropriate number of sex toys in my office for our use. I say that like there is an appropriate number of sex toys to have in your office, I know. They had a purpose at some point when I was humorously reviewing them for one of my more brilliant articles, but now they're just sitting around. Not fulfilling their potential. If anyone needs an adult toy, you should ask me before heading over to a sex shop. I can give you a really good deal.
No one has filed a complaint against me in ages. This post is me setting myself up to watch another well-made sexual harassment training video.
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[21 Jun 2010|12:30am] |
My daughter put aside her attitude today for Father's Day. It was lovely. I made a long list of inappropriate, terrible jokes and she let me away with them. If only every day could be Father's Day. I felt like a king. That was, until I called my father. The man is getting older and more emotional. Now, I'm a confidently emotional guy for the most part, so if I say that someone is getting emotional, you know there must be trouble. He nearly breaks down weeping every time I get on the phone with him because he misses everyone. It's sad, because dad has always been a really happy fellow.
I'm now making arrangements for a trip to Scotland. Preferably around the time of my ex's wedding, so Emily can be a part of that train wreck. I want the woman to meet Grace, because I think she's going to hate her for being beautiful and infinitely more intelligent than her. I'm not spiteful, though. Not at all.
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[20 May 2010|03:57pm] |
Emily's mother (who happens to be a basket case) is getting married to the jackass she's been dating for years, and she keeps contacting me to make arrangements for Emily to go to Scotland for the entire summer. Emily doesn't want to go, which naturally means that Grace I poisoned her against her mother. I tried to explain that she's twelve and all of her friends are here, but reasonable conversation is lost on this woman. It's horribly frustrating.
My love life was such a mess when I was younger. I was incredibly attracted to the craziest women. Fortunately, I got Em out of the mix, and she's a doll and I love her to death. Even with her going through a phase where I'm no longer cool. By the way, I've decided to deal with this situation by smothering her more. Grace doesn't think it's very effective, but I disagree.
On an entirely unrelated note, enjoy the blue skies today, Spent! I think tonight will be barbecue night at the Allan household.
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[30 Mar 2010|10:34pm] |
Another Sex & Relationships question for my Spent friends.
Would you rather have your significant other cheat on you with multiple partners or one individual? What is your reasoning?
I know that both are undesirable, but this is a scenario where you would have to deal with one. People tend to answer fairly equally for both, and I find it fascinating. Tell me your thoughts!
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[22 Mar 2010|04:05pm] |
I think I'm going to do a column on sexual embarrassment, because it seems to be a hot topic with some of my write-ins lately. I had an idea, but I'm not sure if it will work. It will all depend on how bashful you Spentians are.
This is what I'm proposing:
I'm going to ask that a few volunteers come forward and share an embarrassing story to be published. I think this will help us all connect better with our readers. This would work best if some of the more popular writers would come forward (You know who you are!) and perhaps an executive.
The stories don't have to be graphic. They can be from before the act, after it. Whatever you choose. Remember, you cannot use names in your stories, but I am planning on putting your names to it. If you're not comfortable with this I'll call you a prude. Peer pressure!, don't participate.
If I don't get enough volunteers, the readers can hear all about me. Again. Lord knows I've seen enough action in my day to fill up the page. No, wait. Inappropriate for a father of two. I'm shameless, what can I say?
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[17 Feb 2010|05:15pm] |
My daughter has come home from school today very upset and she won't tell me what's wrong. This hurts my feelings. I could be a grown-up and realize that she's a 12-year-old girl that is starting to realize that her parents 'aren't cool', but I'd rather just be hurt. She should know that her father is extra sensitive. I'm a manly stud as well, but my heart is easily broken. I tried to go into that with her and she told me that I talk to hear my own voice, and that I wasn't helping. Oops.
So, question for the ladies of Spent. At what age did you start to act like a bitch start pulling away from your parents?
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[25 Jan 2010|05:00pm] |
This was taken on December 12th in Manhattan. I miss that. I'm a big lover of snow. I don't want it around forever, but it would be nice if it stayed a little bit longer. That would mean more snowmen with carrot penises. Yes, I do that. I'm 33 and I do that. I refuse to grow up.
I'm not too cool for the HR questions like some of you, so I'm going to answer one. If only because I love to talk about personal stuff with an audience.
Could you spend the rest of your life with someone who had horrific taste in music? How important is it to you to share your love of music with a good friend or romantic partner?
I love most music, and I expect a lot of that from my parter as well. There are three kinds of music I cannot stand: music with screaming, beatboxing, and Christian heavy metal. I could probably spend the rest of my life with someone who had horrible tastes, but I know that it would annoy me. We'd need to have a lot of shared interests in order to move past that, I think. That way, I could think about all of the good qualities she has while she's beatboxing with her friends in my living room.
There you go, HR. Add that to my file.
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[30 Dec 2009|10:33pm] |
Do you enjoy outdoor recreation in winter? When the weather is cold, snowy, and/or rainy, do you prefer to remain indoors? If there's a long stretch of bad weather, do you tend to feel depressed and/or stir crazy?
I enjoy indoor recreation in the winter. It creates heat and takes care of those stir crazy feelings. Everyone is getting off, so no one is depressed. Makes sense, right?
If only the rest of the world viewed things in such a positive (yet perverted) light. I think everyone would be happier if they thought like me. I've considered becoming a motivational speaker, but I'm really worried that I'll literally charm the pants right off of my audience and it would turn into some massive orgy. I mean, I don't know how I would charge for those services.
I talk about sex all the time too much. You people must think that their THERE is something seriously off about me. You're not wrong.
So, who got caught under the mistletoe this Christmas? I want all the details.
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[05 Dec 2009|10:55pm] |
This female reader of mine (I know! Apparently they exist) is contacting me for advice. She's telling me that she cannot stand the expression on her boyfriend's face when he climaxes, and that it always puts her off. I think I'm going to tell her to try taking it from behind or start closing her eyes. In more sensitive language, of course.
Have any of you ever been in that situation? It seems very unusual to me.
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[24 Nov 2009|02:12am] |
If anyone picks James Bond for the HR question, I'm going to assume that they're flirting with me. I aspire to be like that man. Seriously. I'd love to sleep my way through Bond girls, slap them all on the ass, shoot some bad guys, be a hero, drink some martinis and always look sharp. What a dream lifestyle.
On another note, I'm doing an article on the Mile High Club this month. I'm not a member myself, which is so shameful. I've never flown with someone who wanted to squeeze into a bathroom with me and let me put it to her do the nasty. I've read that the lower cabin pressure increases the intensity of orgasms, too. It's almost like you're wasting a flight if you don't have sex, ladies. Remember that the next time you get propositioned.
I have amazing logic, I know. You don't have to tell me.
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[03 Nov 2009|11:28pm] |
Since Halloween just happened, I'm going to discuss a topic that is on all of our minds: trampy Halloween costumes. Well, it's on my mind, at least.
Although I'm obviously a huge fan of shamelessness in all forms, I'm looking for an opinion from the ladies in the office:
Girls, when you see a woman dressed as a naughty nurse, a sexy maid, a prostitute, etc. on Halloween, what are your thoughts?
Everyone knows that woman-on-woman judgment is intense, especially when it comes to anything deemed trashy. I've heard it explained that Halloween is the time of year when women feel as though they can 'get away with anything'. Is that still the mentality? Fill me in, people. I love being up-to-date on these things.
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[14 Oct 2009|11:38pm] |
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Has anyone seen the new Shakira video? I don't know if she's trying to make me laugh or make me hard.
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[06 Oct 2009|12:54am] |
So, someone wrote in a few weeks ago asking for sex advice. It seemed like nothing out of the ordinary. As usual, he gave me little information about himself and focused his question on the specifics. He and his girlfriend were having some pretty standard issues in the bedroom. I gave him advice, he told me it had helped and thanked me, and our communication ended.
Well! Today I got an email from a very angry mother. Apparently her fifteen-year-old son was the one who had written in, and she previously hadn't been aware that he was sexually active. I've been told that sex before marriage goes against their morals and that I am a sick pervert for poisoning the mind of her baby boy.
I don't think I handled the situation very well. I laughed at her on the phone, because I had no way of knowing the boy's age and it's certainly not my fault that he and his girlfriend are making the beast with two backs. I also asked her if she broke into her son's private email, and she told me it was none of my business in the most shrill tone I've ever heard in my life. It took all of my willpower not to make fun of her.
My job is so stressful, Spent. Sex has been given such a bad rap.
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[20 Sep 2009|08:12pm] |
Fewer and fewer readers are asking for sex advice recently, and it worries me. If men suddenly discover all of those secrets that add up to a half-decent love life, I'm out of a job. Is someone else educating them? I don't know what I'll do if I'm no longer Dr. Lovemaking. I certainly cannot give advice on anything else.
My department is looking lean lately, but with the Spent turnover rate, I'm really not worried. There are always a good handful of know-it-alls ready to share their advice on sex, relationships and lifestyles. What can I say? I'm just a really popular boss.
Still, I'm upset that I lost my harem of women. Daisy and Grace are really going to have to pull their weight to make up for it.
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[20 Aug 2009|09:17am] |
Here's a question for the office that will work to everyone's advantage. What type of pajamas do you find sexy? I'm really just trying to help Owen out, because no matter what, I'm showing up in my boxers and a t-shirt. I don't have pajamas. I'm sorry in advance, Spent. I'll make sure my bits aren't showing.
I was actually halfway into the process of trying to convince Grace to wear trashy lingerie to this event (you know, for a laugh), and then I realized that I don't want anyone else seeing her like that. I'm a complicated, conflicted individual, I know.
Well, I suppose it's time to get back to my column about the thrills of 'marking' your partner in bed. It's going to be a really decent one. I suggest you all have a read when the magazine hits the stands next month.
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[01 Aug 2009|10:35am] |
So, my daughter is phasing out of her childhood stage. She's socializing with boys and telling all sorts of half-truths. It's the first time that I've dealt with teenager, really, so I'm just hoping that she's a better kid than I was. I was a real piece of work. I imagine that it was absolutely terrifying for my parents. Not really, they thought I was an angel no matter what I did. But I'm going to be smarter than them.
Most of you cannot relate to this because a) you're too young or b) you didn't have a baby in college. I'm sure some of you have younger brothers and sisters at least. See the plague of being an only child, Spent? It's my cross to bear.
I'm done being dramatic now. It stopped being fun! I have to respond to some wonderfully perverted emails. I might start posting them for everyone to read. That's really not fair or appropriate, but we all need to laugh at someone else's expense sometimes. It will be our little secret, lovelies.
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[10 Jul 2009|02:30pm] |
I have a very important question for you, lovelies. It leans more towards the topic of relationships rather than sex, and while I don't want to disappoint you, I have to acknowledge sometimes that the two are often related. So! My question:
If you had strong feelings for someone, how long would you pursue them?
For me, there is no time limit. When I was younger, I dated someone while trying to pursue someone else. That probably isn't a great thing to admit, but it happens. I like to stalk women, Spent. Be warned.
I'm interested in how shameless the rest of you are!
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[14 Jun 2009|08:18pm] |
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Taken ladies? I think you should read this. It contains some very useful information.
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[07 Jun 2009|12:20pm] |
Someone wrote into me yesterday about their girlfriend wanting to fulfill a Twilight fantasy, and I'm baffled. I don't read the books, but I was under the impression that they were for children. Or teenagers, is it? Either way, I'd like it better if I was responding to adults only. And people who read books like that when they're older are not usually having sex, right? Ahaha. I hope everyone realizes that I'm only half serious.
Someone must fill me in. I'm worried that my standard response to sexual play questions will not be sufficient enough.
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